What Is the Thinking?

I had an feeling when the phone rang that things were about to get stupid.

“How may I help you?”

“Hey, yeah, uh could you try and help me fix my computer over the phone, so that I won’t have to bring it in and pay for you to do it?”

“…. Well, what’s wrong with it?”

“It won’t turn on all the way. It keeps getting stuck on a black screen with lots of words on it.”

“I see. Sorry, but I can’t do anything for you over the phone. You’ll have to bring it in. Something like that has the potential to be a complicated fix.”

“Oh, um, really? You can’t just help me fix it over the phone?”

Yes, um, really! I’ll even make you pay. Moron. Seriously, what the heck? You wouldn’t call the doctor’s office and ask him or her to spend a half hour helping you diagnose your crazy skin disorder over the phone, would you? You, my friend, are one step below a free-loader. How you manage to live in society is beyond me. Do you think we can just give you a secret phrase that you can type on your keyboard that will instantly fix all of your computer problems? I just don’t understand. I really don’t, but now I have a headache. A stupid headache, if you will.

Things I’ve Thought About While Not Working at Work.

If I ever obtain supreme power, one of my first orders of business will be to establish the Department of Stupid. The sole purpose of this department will be to prevent stupid people from causing the rest of us too much grief. For example, in order to own or operate a computer, you must first be deemed not stupid. There would be a test to determine your computer using fate. Also, cars.

I think it would be much, much, much cooler in church meetings if we replaced the word “amen” with the phrase “so say we all.”

The Man from Snowy River recently regained its title as my favorite movie of all time.

If offered, I would seriously consider driving past PETA headquarters and a mob of angry tree huggers in a Bugatti Veyron, modified to run off of puppies, if it meant I could have one.

Mr. Osborn and the Case of the Missing Power Adapter.

Once every full moon or so, we get a customer in the shop that adds to my definition of stupidity. I try to be positive towards everyone I have dealings with. It makes life much more pleasant. However, when the Universe sends me people like the one I’m about to describe, I find myself at a loss as to how to be positive. It all started three days after he took his laptop home from having us remove viruses and spyware.

“Ya’ll didn’t get the bugs off. They’re still there.” He whined over the phone.

“Were they there when you turned the computer on for the first time?” I asked.

“No, it took a few days, but sure ‘nuff they’re back. I paid ya’ll over a hundred bucks to get ‘em off, but they’re still there!”

“Ok, bring it back and I’ll take a look at it.”

He brought his computer back to the shop and I took a look. Sure enough, his computer was infested with all manner of malware. I’m not exactly sure what he did in those three days to get nearly every malware ever coded back onto his laptop, but I have my guesses. That’s not important. I ended up formatting his laptop and sending him home with a perfectly clean system.

Four days later.

“I just went to plug in my laptop, but ya’ll didn’t give me the power cord back.” He whined over the phone. Again.

I remembered very clearly putting the power adapter in the front pocket of his carrying case.

“Have you checked all the pockets?”

“Of course I have. I checked everywhere. I’m not stupid. You know, I’m getting really tired of the poor service I’m receiving from you guys. This'll be the second time I have to bring my laptop back.”

“Ok, well, I have a couple of power adapters here. Why don’t you bring your laptop back and we’ll see if any of them are yours.”

A few hours later he arrived with his laptop inside of his carrying case. He first asked if he could use our restroom and while he was in the back, my co-worker opened up the front pocket of his case, reached in and pulled out his power adapter.

Looked everywhere my arse!

The Three Dumbest Types of People, as far as using a computer is concerned.

3 - White Trash.

"Hey man, I got this same virus again! Can you guys cut me a deal this time? I really, really can't afford to keep bringing in my computer for the same bleeping virus every week!"

Hells no! Can a heroine addict count on a price cut just because he or she needs two fixes a day now instead of one? Stop looking at porn, stop downloading illegal files, stop clicking on every silly advertisement you see while doing said activities, and you just might be ok. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

2 - Dentists.

The worst thing about a dentist using a computer, or Lords of Kobol forbid, a network of computers, is that they think that just because they went to dental school, they actually have a fully functional brain. In fact, dentists have significant amounts of brain damage to the key memory forming parts of their brain, specifically the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex and hippocampus. They honestly are incapable of remembering how to solve the simplest of problems. For instance, I do work for half a dozen dentists, and not a single one of them can remember how to delete their temporary internet files, yet they call and ask me how to do it almost every single month. C'mon, it's not that hard to remember. We're talking 5 mouse clicks. And then, out of nowhere, one of the dentists will try to reformat his hard drive and call me when they can't figure out how to install Windows. How many times have I told them not to do that? I honestly don't know. I do know that I am constantly impressed by their rather impressive lack of memory function. I just hope these "doctors" actually remember their dental procedures...

1 - Contractors

In my experience, and remember that I only ever talk to contractors when they are having computer problems, contractors are about as intelligent as the average swine.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if every contractor in the greater O-Town area was capable of listening to more than three words at a time. Maybe.

Take the fine owner of "Stupidline Industries," who called the other day.

I said "How may I..."

He interrupted "How do I backup my QuickBooks file to a flash drive to give to my accountant?"

"Ok, have you..."

"And now, this is only going to include stuff from 2009, right?"

"That depends on..."

"It's not working. I've been trying for an hour now, but I can't see how to do it."

"Ok, follow these..."

"Wait, I'm seeing something on my screen now that wasn't there before. What is it?"

Is this a fraking guessing game? How the heck am I supposed to know what just appeared on your screen? Honestly, do you really think, in that puny, I-can't-believe-it-can-actually-support-life brain of yours, that I know exactly what is appearing on YOUR screen right this minute? *sight... Ok... But you have to give me a hint first.

(The above phone call happened not two hours after the one below. I've changed the names of the people and the company for comic effect.)

"This is Matt, how may I help you?"

"Hi Matt, it's 80 here, you know, as in my IQ. Listen, I've got something really weird going on down here."

"Ok, what is going on?"

"There is this funny icon at the bottom of my screen. It looks like a castle with a flag."

"Uh huh..."

"Well, it used to be green, but now it's orange!"

"Ok, well, if you remember, that icon represents your anti-virus software. Have you tried double clicking on it? No? Ok, do that and tell me what it says."

"It say's I need to click this button to do an update."

"Ok, go ahead now and click the button for me."

"K... ooohhh. Now it's green again. Does this mean I'm ok?"

"Sure does..."

NOT