Nostril Abomination

A few weeks ago, I had the inopportunity to assist a man at work who I can only describe as the worst smelling human being in the entire world. I lived in São Paulo for two years; I thought I knew what bad smells were. I’ve been around some disgusting people, but this man in his old-man-one-piece-jumpsuit-of-nastiness took the entire rotten cake all for himself. The moment he walked through the door of the shop, everyone inside was aware of his nauseating presence. I thought I saw the very paint on the walls shrivel together and squirm in a desperate attempt to find clean oxygen. Not a full second later, my mind, being fairly analytical, immediately began thinking of possible causes for the stench. Perhaps he hadn’t showered for a few months. Perhaps he hadn’t washed his jumpsuit (or changed it for that matter) for at least that long. Perhaps he had tripped over a crate of stink bombs. Perhaps he lived with his dog…in a dog house…with stink bombs…or… Then, mid-thought, my increasingly disgusting train of thought was cut short when I realized that the thing was standing less than two feet from me. I couldn’t bring myself to speak first. There was a moment of silence, where his eyes met mine like a ruined River Folk man would eye another man who just might be able to tell him where to find his “precious”. He then, undaunted by my silent expression, mild gagging and blood shot eyes and probably motivated by the severe hope for human interaction, started talking, and as a consequence of opening his mouth, began to poison me. Immediately, as if by some Geek Hallucinatory Self-Preservation Mechanism (GHSPM), I saw a green oxygen status bar appear directly over my head and slightly to the right, identical to the one in MGS that lets you know when Snake has been under water for too long. Upon inspection, I realized that the bar was depleting at an alarming rate. I knew that my time in this man’s presence would have to be limited, since I really didn’t want to depart this life breathing such foul air. So, when the green bar had nearly reached its end, I excused myself to the back of the shop, and finding that even the back stank of the vile matter, opened the back door and welcomed in many a fresh breath before returning to my predicament up front.

His visit seemed to last an eternity.

Unfortunately for me (and a handful of others whose nostrils were violated along with mine), this visit would not be his last. In fact, he would be back at least once a day for the four or five days that we were working on his project, completely unaware of his effect on others.

If he ever does come back, I am going to kindly tell him that we no longer want his business and invite him to not return until his odor has improved. Honestly, someone really needs to do the man a favor and throw him in a river. Bonus points if there are rapids. I don’t understand how somebody can be that unaware of their physical condition. Perhaps the fates have become bored with simply sending me stupid people… Or maybe this is my punishment for letting a month slip by without blogging.