Instead of Jumping in front of a Train

May Bruce Lee come down and one-inch punch me until I die if the Mullet isn’t the best way to tell the world in a tremendously boisterous and obnoxious way that you are a trashy human being. What human defect is it that leads some people to actually CHOOSE to have one? Is it an imbalance in chemical levels inside the brain? Perhaps it’s the effect of too much cheap beer and an over indulgence in eighties pornography. We many never know the cause, but we sure as helllll know the effect. That’s right. Complete, absolute stupidity! By Thor’s Hammer I swear I have never met an intelligent human being that sported a Mullet. It’s like trying to find a dog that actually talks, or a redneck that knows how to use a computer.

Unfortunately for me, these last few weeks have been ffffiiillllllleddd to the brim with Mullets! It has come to the point where I must either scorn these morons on my blog, or jump in front of a train.

The first experience was an observational one for the most part. It was in the parking lot of a plumbing supply store where I had been called out on a service call for work. Being drawn to stupid people like strong magnets, before I could get out of my car, my head turned and I found myself looking at an old, rusted Ford Taurus. I looked closer and saw that there was a man leaning against the side of the car that had two young children secured in baby seats in the back. Then I saw his Mullet. Long down past his shoulders and worn with more pride than a dozen NBA superstars could ever dream of having. “I wonder what stupid thing he’s going to do,” I thought. Not one minute after that thought, he looked down at the children inside, both of which were eating some sort of messy treat. Half a second later, he lifted and rolled his head much like a wild animal. Then he strutted to the other side of the car, opened the door and started yelling at the children because they had smeared the messy treat all over the inside of the window. “Why did you…. Why in the… What gives…. What in the hell gives you the ... right to get my windows dirty?” “Why did you think it would be okay to do that?” At that point, I had to do something, so I got out of my car and shut the door loudly. This startled the man, who turned around to look at me. We made eye contact, and then he stopped yelling and went back to the other side of the car and resumed leaning.

The whole experience oozed stupidity. First of all, what kind of a moron gives a small child a messy treat inside of a car then gets mad when that treat ends up all over the windows? Second, what kind of a moron cares whether or not their P.O.S Taurus gets dirty? Third, what kind of feces consuming lowlife has such a low level of self-esteem that they must prove to themselves that they are indeed stronger than a little child? Yes, you in the back! That’s right! A STUPID moron! However, an even better answer would have been “A STUPID MORON WITH A MULLET!”

Then there were the four mullets I saw walking down Washington Blvd on my way to work a few days ago. One walked in a daze, one walked in unusually long strides, one didn’t walk at all, and one walked on all fours (until he found something on the ground and picked it up…). I don’t know why they bothered me the way they did. Perhaps each mullet was equipped with an Intelligence -7 spell whose diameter expanded into the lane I was in, or maybe it was my inner self not agreeing that mullet-sporters should be allowed to roam free. Who knows…

Then as if I hadn’t been plagued with enough mullets, we recently had an irate Polar-Bearish man with a curly white mullet in the shop. This man truly re-defined my understanding of how ignorant and stupid a human can be. Allow me to explain. Mr. S (S for stupid) came into the shop complaining that the sound on his laptop had never worked since he bought it from Toshiba. My co-worker told him we would diagnose the problem and attempt a fix. That’s exactly what we did. We re-installed his drivers, re-installed XP on another hard drive, installed many patches and tried every trick we could think of. In the end, the sound still didn’t work. At that point, deductive reasoning told us that something was wrong with the sound card or his motherboard. When he came back, my co-worker gave him the news. He blew up! “What do ya mean it doesn’t work?” “Yer telling me I don’t have any sound at all!?” Let us remember that his sound didn’t work when he brought it in. He then started making false claims. “It worked sometimes when I brought it in. I could hook up mah speakers and it would work just fine.” “[G] you guys suck! You [F]ing broke it! I never shoulda brought it here to begin with.” He yelled and screamed at us for about five minutes before he broke out into a nervous pace around the shop. He threatened to call the cops, take out a full page add in the paper about us, and many other things that I didn’t understand (he started to froth and babble a bit). I tried to explain to him what we did and the reasons that the sound still didn’t work, but he wouldn’t listen to anything I said. After about twenty minutes of hopelessly trying to help him understand, I gave up. He told me that he wanted it fixed “NOW.” I didn’t say a thing. Then he stormed out of the shop much the same way I imagine a Polar Bear would. Well, to our luck, we ended up solving the sound problem. We had to use a “Vista only” patch over the Windows XP sound drivers to get it to work. What are the odds? He picked it up the next day and we haven’t seen him since. Thank George Lucas!

It was like the mullet was blocking all intelligent thought coming in and out of his head! He refused to listen to reason! He was incapable of using deductive reasoning. He didn’t understand a single thing I told him. He was insulting, ignorant, irate, and idiotic! The stupidity was too much to bear!

As a result of that last experience, I had to treat my wounds with the La Famosa combo plate and fried ice cream at El Matador. There must be a solution to the mullet problem in the world. What is it going to take? Perhaps we can come to some arrangement with the Goa’uld. They can take all the humans with mullets to use as hosts and in exchange we get their cool shield technology.