Dumbdumb

There comes a time in every computer technician’s life when he or she must deal with someone (or even something) that truly redefines his or her definition of stupidity. This is how it happened to me.

For anonymity’s sake, the less than adequately human/intelligent person in the following story will be called Dumbdumb.

It started much unlike any other day. I woke up a half hour early to exercise, and actually exercised. The drive to school was uneventful and pleasant. The sun was just barely rising in the east when I walked out of class. I think birds were singing. During class the professor even pushed back the due date of a large assignment. Afterwards, as I walked to my car I had the feeling that the day would be a good one. Driving from WSU campus to Riverdale, I was only stopped by two traffic lights! Unheard of! Now surely this day would be great! The signs were unmistakable. Then, it happened. Like the recurring dream I have of Captain Mal actually getting together with Inara, then waking up in a cold sweat with the sudden realization that I will never know if it was to be. The phone rang and I answered.

“This is Matt, may I help you?”

“This is Dumbdumb. IT DOESN’T WORK!!!!” *Growling sounds…

“I’m sorry, what doesn’t work?”

“The piece of [feces] you just built me. It’s broke.” *More growling sounds…

“Ok, how exactly is it broke? Could you be more specific?”

“It don’t, it just, I don’t, I… just…” *Growling…followed by a bat screech “GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND FIX IT.”

Even using my level 42 soothing skills, I was utterly ineffective in calming Dumbdumb. Between animal growls, he managed to tell me that he tried to turn it on in the morning, but nothing happened. It is now important that you know that Dumbdumb actually owns and operates his own business out of his home, and this is the computer that he uses the most. From what I could decipher from the progressively worsening primitive Growl, he and what I can only assume is his “tech savy” webmaster couldn’t solve the problem, after having tried for many hours.

“Dumbdumb, can I try and walk you through a few things over the phone?”

“NO!!! I’m not there. Nobody’s home, JUST GO FIX IT. Doors open.” *Gro…click

I decided that it would be better to go sooner rather than later to fix his problem, so I jumped in my car and made the drive to a part of town that I now despise and avoid at all costs. I found that the door was indeed open so I let myself in. Upon entering, I instinctively reached for my gasmask, being overwhelmed by the nearly visible smell of putrid stupidity and sweat. I knew that I would have to be quick, in order to avoid the dangers of remaining in a stupid environment. I really should have brought a full body suit. Fully aware that time was of the essence, I quickly found the computer room. There in the corner at the far end of the already small and seemingly shrinking room, sat his computer. I could hear the fans spinning, see the green power indicator LED on the case, see the green num lock LED on his keyboard lit up and even the red glow coming from under his optical mouse. In less than two seconds, before I had taken a full step into the room I knew what his problem was.

At that moment, my definition of stupidity was redefined. Stupidity = Dumbdumb

I walked to his computer and turned on his monitor and left him a bill for a hundred bucks.

I guess that aside from having to communicate and deal with Dumbdumb, my day was indeed a good one. I learned something important about being a pleasant human being. Nobody likes dealing with rude people, let alone rude, obnoxious, flaming mad and ignorant all together (even worse if your house stinks). Thank you, Dumbdumb, for your example of what not to be like.