Cheddar Cheese and Evil Video Games...

I remember once in elementary school we were asked to do a research project. We were to team up and choose a topic to research on our own. I was excited. My partner in crime and I immediately teamed up and started brainstorming possible research ideas. After many hours of tossing ideas back and forth, unwillingly throwing out all of the illegal ones, we were certain that we had stumbled across the perfect idea. The next day in class we were required to stand in pairs and announce to the class what our research was going to be. We proudly announced that we would be researching the effects of time and outdoor summer conditions on mild cheddar cheese. After the many weird looks from classmates and the rest of the school day, my friend and I immediately went to my house to begin the research. Ten minutes later, we had a significant chunk of mild cheddar cheese quarantined behind orange tape on my back porch. Five minutes after that, we were immersed in an intense game of Metroid on the NES.

*mental thought: Weird how so many of my childhood memories are relevant today… *end mental thought

The days passed and our chunk of cheese did exactly what we had predicted: it got disgusting. We recorded the changes that had occurred and later presented our findings to the class and urged them to keep their cheese in the refrigerator.

We were in the fifth grade…I think.

Now, what are the odds that a pair of fifth grade researchers has a better research method than a “professional?” Apparently the odds are worth betting on if the “professional” is Cooper Lawrence.

Watch and observe:

Did it ever occur to ANY of them that they should perhaps play the game and see the truth for themselves? Oohh... I have an idea! Lets do some research to see if anything that we're going to say is true! Whaddya say?

C'mon, I knew the importance of research as a fifth grader!

The worst part is that they were mixing truths with lies. The truth is that sexual media viewed by young male humans (or anyone, for that matter) has negative effects. Duh. It desensitizes the viewers and can lead down many a wrong and destructive path. The truth is that there probably are a lot of young male humans out there that are doing their darndest to make sure they get to see the scene in question. The lie is that Mass Effect shows graphic pornography. Sure the scene is inappropriate, but is it pornography? What about the rest of the game? There is a good chance you'll never see that scene anyway. The lie is that if you play Mass Effect (or any video game for that matter) you won’t be able to discern reality from imaginary.

Sure, I play video games and on occasion have conversations with inanimate objects, but c’mon… who doesn’t?

The truth omitted is that if a young human male wants to see pornography, he isn’t going to go through the hassle of playing hours and hours of a video game just to get it. Let’s be serious, the internet is far more accessible and easy.

I’m not here to say whether or not Mass Effect is an appropriate game. Each responsible adult must make that decision for his or her own self and for their children when applicable. But I am here to say that if you are going to insult something, make sure the insult is valid.

“The board that reviewed this game needs to have their heads examined!” What an unfair thing to say!

“What I don’t understand is why didn’t this game get an Adults Only rating...?” How can you say that in ignorance?

I wonder what these people would think about Xenogears? Haven’t they ever heard of Laura Croft? Do they know what a James Bond movie is? At least they don’t have anything against assassins, right? Lets not tell them about God of War.

Luckily for my vengeful side, Cooper Lawrence has indeed suffered the consequences of speaking so forcefully in ignorance. Her new book, The Cult of Perfection, has received hundreds of bad reviews on amazon.com, mostly from people upset about the fact that she doesn’t research anything she says. She has since issued an apology on her website, saying that she was wrong in making false accusations. But one is forced to question motive and sincerity when money from book sales is involved in an apology.

FOX News still hasn't (as far as I can tell) apologized to EA for the bad publicity. An apology that EA has demanded.

I leave you with the ironic words of EvilMonkey2004, who’s review of Lawrence's new book says it best.

“Mass Effect has turned me into a sex crazed zombie. I just wish I had never played with that damnable devil-machine. I can't sleep or eat anymore... I'm up all night, craving digital sideboob. This book features no sideboob.”

Dumbdumb

There comes a time in every computer technician’s life when he or she must deal with someone (or even something) that truly redefines his or her definition of stupidity. This is how it happened to me.

For anonymity’s sake, the less than adequately human/intelligent person in the following story will be called Dumbdumb.

It started much unlike any other day. I woke up a half hour early to exercise, and actually exercised. The drive to school was uneventful and pleasant. The sun was just barely rising in the east when I walked out of class. I think birds were singing. During class the professor even pushed back the due date of a large assignment. Afterwards, as I walked to my car I had the feeling that the day would be a good one. Driving from WSU campus to Riverdale, I was only stopped by two traffic lights! Unheard of! Now surely this day would be great! The signs were unmistakable. Then, it happened. Like the recurring dream I have of Captain Mal actually getting together with Inara, then waking up in a cold sweat with the sudden realization that I will never know if it was to be. The phone rang and I answered.

“This is Matt, may I help you?”

“This is Dumbdumb. IT DOESN’T WORK!!!!” *Growling sounds…

“I’m sorry, what doesn’t work?”

“The piece of [feces] you just built me. It’s broke.” *More growling sounds…

“Ok, how exactly is it broke? Could you be more specific?”

“It don’t, it just, I don’t, I… just…” *Growling…followed by a bat screech “GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND FIX IT.”

Even using my level 42 soothing skills, I was utterly ineffective in calming Dumbdumb. Between animal growls, he managed to tell me that he tried to turn it on in the morning, but nothing happened. It is now important that you know that Dumbdumb actually owns and operates his own business out of his home, and this is the computer that he uses the most. From what I could decipher from the progressively worsening primitive Growl, he and what I can only assume is his “tech savy” webmaster couldn’t solve the problem, after having tried for many hours.

“Dumbdumb, can I try and walk you through a few things over the phone?”

“NO!!! I’m not there. Nobody’s home, JUST GO FIX IT. Doors open.” *Gro…click

I decided that it would be better to go sooner rather than later to fix his problem, so I jumped in my car and made the drive to a part of town that I now despise and avoid at all costs. I found that the door was indeed open so I let myself in. Upon entering, I instinctively reached for my gasmask, being overwhelmed by the nearly visible smell of putrid stupidity and sweat. I knew that I would have to be quick, in order to avoid the dangers of remaining in a stupid environment. I really should have brought a full body suit. Fully aware that time was of the essence, I quickly found the computer room. There in the corner at the far end of the already small and seemingly shrinking room, sat his computer. I could hear the fans spinning, see the green power indicator LED on the case, see the green num lock LED on his keyboard lit up and even the red glow coming from under his optical mouse. In less than two seconds, before I had taken a full step into the room I knew what his problem was.

At that moment, my definition of stupidity was redefined. Stupidity = Dumbdumb

I walked to his computer and turned on his monitor and left him a bill for a hundred bucks.

I guess that aside from having to communicate and deal with Dumbdumb, my day was indeed a good one. I learned something important about being a pleasant human being. Nobody likes dealing with rude people, let alone rude, obnoxious, flaming mad and ignorant all together (even worse if your house stinks). Thank you, Dumbdumb, for your example of what not to be like.